Losing my Child

Oct 26

When you bring a child into the world, you don’t think of losing them. Yes, there’s worry and that protective parenting, but you dream of who they will be, how they will make the world a better place, the fun and joys of their life.

You most definitely don’t think that you’ll have to make the hardest decision of your life, which will make you a core of yourself and send you on this spiraling grief that doesn’t go away.

I was going to write about this day 15 years ago but I don’t want to. I knew at the beginning of this month there would be a time when I’d sit with my son. Just be with him in the only way I know.

brothers leaning their heads toward their carved pumpkins

Writing to him. Connecting through words. Thinking of him as he was. A vibrant, smart, funny, creative boy whose enthusiasm and charisma attracted friends and strangers.

When his classmates went to see the school counselors after he passed, so many told stories of how Nick stood up for them. He helped them if they dropped their books. He was a champion of the people standing up to bullies and voicing his concern. He didn’t back down when he saw something wrong.

I often wonder what Nick would have done had he lived. He dreamed of being a technology teacher and swim coach. He loved children so I imagine he’d have his own.

But when I sit and allow myself to really feel the essence of my boy, his unwavering spirit, I know he has done so much more. His path has changed and saved lives, creating a foundation of hope and a rippling effect of unknown proportions.